Friends to the Journey

I was thinking today how privileged I am to have so many excellent friends with
me on this road I am in. People I can be myself with, people that support me when
I need it, people that love me without me needing to do or be anything I'm not.
This is dedicated to those people. I love you from my heart.

They're just people,
Normal people,
I could have taken them off the street

And yet you're not,
Willing to put yourself out there,
With all your vulnerabilities,

All your hurt,
All your bullshit

Willing to share it with the world,
With me,
I do feel so privileged

Willing to be weak,
Willing to be open to hurt

Willing to share a wonderfully crazy journey together,
To reach where no man has reached before

To your self,
And back

By touching me,
I touch You,

It's as real as it gets

Rotten in heaven

So I need to offload some things. I don't know what but I'll start anyway.
Shaked and me are not talking anymore. arjhfekjhf;kehjd'aposjfapeofkjpfdoka
pofka'efokja'pefojkaefoja'floja'flj'alefkja'lefj'aef
Bullshit!

my stomach is hurting so bad I can hardly breath. I'm crying and I have no no no
idea how to make to make this pain dissolve or atleast move somewhere.
I feel so stuck. so stuck. I can't focus on anything outside of myself for too long.

i keep coming back to this place inside of people not liking me and me trying to please
them. I find it all around me. I saw it today in Mali, Boaz, Saar, Yaron, and numerous
other people in Humanication. I don't know what to do with it. It's this huge hole
trying to get filled with love, approval and attention. In the mean time it is playing
havoc inside of me.

Loving myself

Loving myself,
No matter what

Any time,
Any day

Feeling down,
Feeling high,
Dirty, pretty
Smelly or fresh

Bad and good,
It is all inside

Flowing and changing,
At any moment,
A new me appears,
And disappears

Stuck and flowing,
Judgemental and accepting,
Productive or slumping

Such an amazing being,
So hard on myself,
Such a waste of time

Enjoy yourself,
Drop the act,
Be you
That shining you,
You are

Love You!

Break Me (The Source)

I want to be shattered,
Shattered to my very core,
Burn me,
Until dust is all that remains

Take me to my source,
Where essence burns bright white,
Where darkness dare not creep

Where things are,
Simple, pure, themselves
No need to explain

Let the tower fall and break,
Brick by brick, or in one fell swoop
Let it tumble on itself

Let me look at myself,
Bare, naked, utterly vulnerable
Reflections on the pool of my being,
The source

The Young Nymphs

Light, very light
Dancing around the schoolyard,
Oozing with life and fresh-born sexuality


Their tender bodies,
Just awakening


Hormones raging,
Breasts can hardly contain their own growth


And the play has started,
Boys and girls,
In a devil's dance


Eyes meeting,
Bodies merging 


And the play has ended.

For me, the experience was alike to a visit to the forbidden garden,
Or to a candy store full of wonderful sweets of all kinds, colors and flavors where I can only look,
long for, yearn, fantasize about, but never touch, let alone have... And the yearning is oh so
strong. So strong that I stopped keeping it conscious after some time. I pushed it down so hard it
was practically gone. With it a good portion of me - my power, my energy, my sexuality was
all but gone.

Why can't I touch?
Why can't I revel in god's creation?
Am I not god's creation myself?


The longing,
Too painful to endure,
Was shut out,
Pushed away from awareness

And I am left with the shadows of a proposition,
Long ago contemplated and forgotten

And I am left with the distant echoes of a terrible pain,
Long forgotten

How can I gain clarity on this? I think that it has to do with my view of 
my body, of sexuality, of pleasure. Be curious, explore more.

Farewell

Recognition.

For a split second in eternity,
We had that

A short lived spark,
A Twinkle in the eye,

We shared a room,
Only us,
The world expelled from our awareness

A painful journey through our personalities,
Our souls momentarily danced

For a split second we were merged

Thank you

Unnamed #1

They are all around me,
Allies, friends, lovers,
Givers of the Heart

But I,
I don't let them in,
Their loving care finds a wall,
Is deflected,
Only a slight portion is allowed in

In my halls of steel and ice,
The echoes of isolation are reverberated,
Love is the essence,
The intense fire,
The elemental force,
Required to make magic real

An opening,
A new trust is needed,
In me, in them, in everything
New eyes to see the same thing

Demons

They are there,
Lurking in the shadows of my subconsciousness,
Biding their time

Free flowing thoughts is their cue,
They go in and overtake me,
And I wake to the aftermath

No sleep! high vigilance!
Never let your guard down for one second,
Lest you risk your own downfall

Why Am I Here?

I don't know. To make mistakes. To fall and burn and rise again as something else. To experience. To let go of what stops me. To rediscover. To play. To hold hands with others. To redefine boundaries. To revel in myself. To move towards truth. Towards myself. To make friends. To make a difference. To make good. To Heal. To touch. To feel. To share.

A being of a Heart and a Brain,
A creature who thinks and feels,
Capable of the Best and the Worst,
Holds Free Choice

Take small steps, and marvel in them.
Realize the game, and so enjoy yourself.
It is all for your enjoyment and playfulness

Make your pain part of you, and so gain Peace.

The Goddess from Africa

A whirlpool of pink and blood-red,
Lips pushing out with such voluptuousness,
So alive,
I can almost see them pulsating

A Lioness,
Majestically, swiftly moving in the savannah,
Her paws, her legs, her torso, her neck extending to her head,
All moving in a finely tuned succession,
Orchestrated by the hand of God

Her face,
Expecting nothing, accepting everything,

A rich terrain of calm attentiveness,

At the ready to effortlessly devour your 

soul at any moment

Her womanhood,

Such a potent femininity,

So enticing, 

Lacing every strand of muscle,

Every ligament,

Every bone in her body

I wonder if she knows this,

If she's even aware, if she realizes in feeling,
A fraction of the reality which through her manifests

I wonder if it is even possible for us

to contain the realization of our own Godliness

The Ocean of Despair

It is all around us,
The Ocean of Despair,
It calls me to drown in it's waves

And sometimes I want to drown,
To forget everything,
And just cease.

No more struggle,
No more pain,
Just silence

Today I had a swim,
Grabbed the leg of the table,
And dove right in,
This time I kept my eyes open

I was surprised by the beauty
that was revealed to me,
Gentle currents in all direction,
Cool and warm,
Playfully swirling me around,
Pushing and pulling,
Flowing all around me

There were tiny creatures all around,
Dancing with me,
A whole universe inside

So don't believe the hype,
Just dive right in,
And let experience change you

These Morning Times

The mornings stretch,
Like endless vistas of nothingness,
Extending into infinity

Empty staleness wrapped in hopelessness,
Grainy and dry,
Like the taste of sand in my mouth

I sit in a daze,
Hoping for some external salvation,
Aching to break through this plateau I find myself in

Feeling myself on an icy desert,
Looking blindly, desperately for a crack to apply
myself onto

Here, time extends too lazily,
No action is possible,
Yet all the effort in the world is required

Drunk with the reality of stasis,
With the appearance of control

These morning times,
An illusion so real,
I lose myself in it

The Puppet

A puppet on invisible strings,
Pushed around by things long past,
Aching to assume it's stolen powers

Like the last ripples breaking on the shore of existence,
Created by a rock tossed ages ago into the center of the ocean,
All but forgotten, still very much real

I long for awareness,
I long for choice,
I long for prime causes,
I long for me

The puppet wants it's freedom,
To realize the Ocean

Cut the chains of unawareness,
Break away from the torment of my fiends,
Allow me breath as myself

Resistance

I'm like a rock,
Rigid all over,
Will not move an inch

Push me,
Just try,
I will resist a thousand-fold,
Again and again

In a terrain that is not me,
Alien to my nature,
Practical and so shallow,
My Heart withers away

Bit by bit, cell by cell
It is suffocating into dryness,

Craving meaning and connection,
It is left wanting

Hand reaching out,
Desperately extended into the unreachable

What is missing?
What is missing?

I'm in the dark,
Looking for the river of life,
Searching for the sweet spot,
Where resistance transforms into flow

Shame and a voice

It's inside,
It takes me over,
I have no control

I burn,
I'm convoluted in pain,
Want to vanish,
Disappear from the face of the earth

It's rooted deep in my body,
Like cancerous cells,
Alien to my own body,
Antagonistic to my life

If I listen to it's imperative,
I will disappear,
Go into hiding

Then a voice,
Remember these,
You are good and bad,
Elements of both are within you,

If your Heart is pure,
Meddling with guilt is superfluous,

Focus on life, on movement,
Forget the rest

Some will always find your choices displeasing,
put those on mute

Focus on your own voice,
Your own truth,

And never give up

Me at 17

I really didn't like myself as a teenager. What came up for me today as I meditated was a deep seated
disgust. I felt it in the base of my throat and the pit of my stomach, as well as in my hands. It felt like
foul sticky tar lodged in in my inside, suffocating me. The image that came to my mind is me as
teenager. Feel like I'm 17. In my mind's eye I am lanky, awkward, hairy, ugly, disproportionate,
wearing these huge ugly glasses. I walk funny and I am horny with no chance of getting laid.
My genitals are fully developed and I feel like a science experiment of God gone wrong.
I seem so lost and helpless,trying to fit in in a world that would never accept me, let alone
love me. Like those defect babies that come out with too many hearts or something,
Doomed to for a short life of suffering and pain, never experiencing life as a healthy creature.
Not Fit For Life it seems to say on my forehead.

Invisible

The cells of your body translucent,
Your being, a fallen leaf,
Your intention hiding behind it's own shadow

And You,
You are gone,
Faded into non-presence

The space you inhabit,
A placeholder for your body,
A side prop in the play of life

The need to be seen,
To bring in to out,
To manifest in Reality,
To have integrity

What are we without ourselves?
What are we without our truth?

On Sex and Disgust

I've been wondering into the nature of the emotion of disgust as it comes up for me in and around
my sex life. As I see sex, it is the sacred act between two lovers, whereby their emotions of love
and  feeling of connection and kinship are manifested in physical form. It is the ultimate celebration
of life, and the merging of two souls into one, apart from time and space. This is in stark contrast to
the commonly accepted understanding of sex as a purely physical need that requires satisfaction,
similar to the way animals satisfy their needs. You're horny, you go down to the bar, woe a woman
with your manly charm, and sleep with her. Very practical and down to earth, or so it seems.

The stories we tell ourselves, and the truth, can be very different things. Deep inside we
know what sex is, and it's significance for us as spiritual beings. It is the gate to your soul,
manifest physically. It is the ultimate surrender of the core of your being, to be merged with
another's.

We as humans have free will, and we pay a penalty for choosing wrongly. The penalty for
allowing your innermost being, your essence, to open up and be merged with the wrong
kind of soul, is the penalty paid in the emotion of disgust.

Disgust will be primarily for your self, for allowing such a defilement to take place. But it
will be projected outside, to your partner and he/she would seem to be the source of
your need to throw up.

In this regard it is worth mentioning the heavy consumption of alcohol and drugs these
days to soften inhibitions, but also to abolish the natural shame that protects us from acts
of this sort.

Also notice the all too common urban story about two people meeting in a bar, getting drunk,
spending the night together, only to run away as the act is finished, feeling disgusted
and ashamed.

Gentleness

Suspended in gelatinous liquid,

Cared for with gloves made of sensuous Indian silk,

The relation that the warm morning rays,

The soft winds,

And the damp earth has

To a Flower slowly opening

The way a mother is there always,

Caressing and allowing,

Protecting and surrendering

Deserving you Are!

For who deserves it more than God itself?

Your essence is pure and luminous,

Your core smiling and joyful,

I love you!

Pain

Shackles on my Heart,
A rope around my chest,
Acid in my veins

A silent cry escapes my lips,
And I free fall,
down,
down,
To a place where no one will find me

Who will come for my aid?
I will ask for no one!

Stuck is the energy,
In helplessness I wallow,

Alone, so alone I feel
Isolated, locked in a frozen cage

Then, my spirit awakens
a rebellious smile flowers deep from within,
Aha! Never will I give up,
not for one second

I saw a crow yesterday,
Black as the night!
He was One with the wind,
One with the turbulence,
One with Life

So shall I!
let pain come, and leave
let it set the stage for Joy!

A New Space

There's a new space inside,

A living space - I can feel it pulsating

Emotions go there to bounce of its walls,

So that you can hear their echo for miles and miles

Sometimes, magic happens

In an alchemical reaction,

The space transforms into warm water droplets,

Pouring down from my eyes,

Connecting out with in

The Playground is opened a new,

For my beautiful inner child to be joyful in,

Careless and innocent

That is his Shrine!

Protected and embraced by my masculine energy,

No one will ever taint him

I can see him now,

His soft face unscathed by reality,

His creativity like the fountain of youth,

Free-flowing and unending

His energy, so fresh and innocent

He will live forever, young and new

In very special times, as grace will allow

Through infinity and back,

My sacred space will merge with another's -

What a divine celebration!

Fairies, Demons, Elves, Fiends, Pixies, lepricons,

God and Lucifer - Come out to play!

Its Heaven manifest on Earth

Breaking the Looking Glass

I was here, but not really
You felt me, but I didn't feel you
Isolated despair filled my days and dreams

I longed for you!
So close,
I can almost touch,
But you have faded away

Your reflection,
So perfect through the looking glass
awakened a living wound,
hidden so deep inside

I so wanted to touch, to feel, to share,
to merge into your eyes in an endless embrace,
One with Everything

My heart, Oh my heart,
After years and years of dormant pain,
was finally awakened

A fragile, trembling fire had been kindled inside it
by your love and brutally honest presence

I breath new air now,
so fresh and full of wonder
I feel it in my bones

I do not know where the winds might take me,
but every cell in my body screams at me - Live, Live, Live!

The impenetrable looking glass has been shattered,
The veil of pain and hurt had been lifted,
And I can breathe again

Through this elemental storm we call life,
With its myriad expressions and endless variety,
I found my guiding light,
My long lost longing,
The craving of my Heart